Surviving a Retail Job

Welcome fellow retailers.  I have categorized typical customers and tips to deal with their self evident godliness. 

• The jerk that responds to “How are you?” with a grunt or doesn’t respond at all. 

Don’t waste your breath repeting your question.  This person hates life and wants you to join in on his/her misery.  Be aware that this type of person may also be waiting for you to push their buttons so that they have someone to complain about or yell at.  The most logical solution is to not say a word for the rest of the transaction.  Show no facial expressions or emotion and if they comment on your silence, grunt in response or just silently look at them.  Never confirm or deny their question if it pertains to your mood. However, if they ask a question about the product make sure to answer them in a low, monotone and disinterested tone. 

• The customer that asks a personal question about your appearance.  e.g. “Why did you dye your hair red?” “Why do you have your nose pierced?”  “You talk funny, is your tongue pierced?” “How much money do you make?”

Some might argue that these people are curious and genuinely want to know why you look the way you do and so on.  I personally feel that these people need  a lesson in manners, forget about being tactful because they sure have.  Make up an absurd answer to their question, for example an answer to the question “Why did you dye your hair red?” would be “Well I was drinking cherry kool-aid the other day and decided to mimick how bright and shiny it looked”  Answer in a geniune tone and give a big fake smile.  Then ask them something blatantly obvious about them.  E.g.  Bald guy “So how old were you when you first started losing hair?  How much do toupes cost?”  Older woman “OKAY, I got your senior discount plugged in/sorry we don’t have a senior discount”

• A customer that decides to pay for a 20$ item in loose change.

If they present their change pre-rolled* make sure to break the roll open and scatter the change on the counter.  (*They think they were doing you a favor by rolling their change but in reality they could have just gone to the bank to cash it out.  They’re being lazy.)  Most people hate it when you take forever with their transaction and tend to get embarassed if they are the ones holding up the line.  Make sure to count the change slowly and stack it into little piles for your convenience.  If they start helping you stack it, claim that you got confused and lost count therefore you have to recount all the stacks.  

• The customer that hates showing you their I.D. when they pay with their credit card.

These ones are complete idiots.  Not only do they fail to realize that you are trying to protect them, they tend to cop an attitude and accuse you of thinking they’re dishonest.  Easiest response “Sir/Ma’am, if you lost this card today and someone came into this store trying to buy stuff on it they wouldn’t be able to because we check I.D’s here.”  If they continue to give you a hard time refuse to ring them through and let the douchebag manager appease them.  If the manager tries to get mad at you for being a jerk claim that you were only trying to do you job and protect against identity theft.